“Everyone goes through a challenge in their life, you don’t know what they are going through so don’t judge”
2 years after Papa’s passing, I thought I should write about it while the memories are still clear in my head, so here it goes.
Papa is the thoughtful, sweet, loving, humorous, protective kind Father. He can be though when we were kids but he always had a soft heart. He encourages when we feel hopeless. He shares his words of wisdom, his knowledge, and most importantly, the word of God. It was Papa who introduced us to God. He strengthened our faith and disciplined us to what values we have now. He was not perfect but we loved him for who he was.
Back in year 2014 when I brought Mama and Papa to Boracay, we noticed the swelling in Papa’s foot that I thought would eventually go away, that maybe because of they travelled one plane and a bus, that the leg or foot muscles just had some constraints of something. During that same year it came on and off so Mama asked Papa to have it checked by the Doctor. Then in 2015 we learned that my Papa has a liver cirrhosis and was given around 2 years to live. My heart and mind did not accept it. I trusted God that it won’t happen, I believed in miracles. He was in and out of the hospital already, we were worried but hopeful.
Until year 2016, Mama called my ate and I saying we should go home because Papa was really ill already. When we arrived in the Hospital, we were advised by our aunt that they spoke to the doctor and said that we should be ready, that they cannot give us false hopes. I did not take it seriously, again, I was hopeful (or in denial probably). We’ve waited for the ICU’s visiting hours outside papa’s room until it was time. We wore our mask, entered with strength. I said “Papa” in a welcoming tone but shaky voice while watching him. I saw my papa so frail, helpless, tired, but still stubborn as a patient. I stared at the tubes connected through Papa’s nose where the medicines are already being feeded, and other tubes all over his body. His color was different, his stomach was so big already, he is in his adult diapers. He smiled upon seeing us. He said “mabubuhay na ako ta nahiling ko na ang duwa kong aki” (I will live because I already saw my two daughters). I kept myself composed until we went out of the ICU. My ate and I hugged each other and cried heavily. I do not understand what’s happening.
The next day, Mama and I where left in the hospital and I slept beside mama in the waiting room. I was so tired, I closed my eyes and fell asleep. Around 5 in the morning, the nurse ran through the door with a slightly shouting voice of urgency “Ramos! Ramos!” that’s what woke me up. Mama and I ran to the ICU and there we saw him, there was a tube in his mouth, him head elevated, and I don’t know what the doctor and nurses were doing. Mama and I were already crying unendingly. They were resuscitating Papa. We were asked to go out. After a few minutes, the doctor went out and told me that he is Brain dead and the doctor went in again. After a few minutes, the doctor opened the door and walked towards us and and told us they were “sorry”. Mama cried so hard, it wads the very first time I heard and felt her pain. We immediately went in. The nurses were removing the tubes already. Papa looked tired. I was crying and calming Mama while hugging her, she called Papa’s name over and over. We were beside each just crying while watching Papa. At this point, I realized I was not ready at all, I feel so sorry for everything I was not able to do as a daiughter. Random memories were flashing back inside my head. I feel helpless but realized I need to stay strong for Mama. Then I held Papa’s hand to tell him I love him once more. It was the most painful thing. Ever.
I miss him but I have to let go.
Once more, I love you Papa.